Because c'mon! Shame on Invasion's slowburn peril for not providing them a more frequent showcase.

He's my boyfriend. He is. No, he just is. He's all green-eyed, widow's-peaked, melting-pot hotness and oiled-massage voice. He's it.

Mister Manager

If you weren't convinced by my last post that my boss sucks all kinds of balls, I offer you this morsel.

Today, upon learning that Allegedly Reformed Meth Addict will be coming back to work tomorrow for reals, I submitted a request that it be made clear to her that she can't just stand around ringing up customers all day like she used to do...that she actually be required to do some actual TASKS to boot--making coffee, wiping down the fucking salad bar...don't really care as long as I don't have to share my tips with her lazy, bossy ass while she flits away her time making change.

So it went something like this:

Me: "Can I make one request? That it be made clear to Allegedly Reformed Meth Addict that she has to do some work other than just ringing up customers all day?"

Ballsuck: "Can you make that clear to her?"

Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion but EXCUSE ME, FUCKING WHAT? Can I make that clear to her? Last time I checked, you weren't paying me to manage your suck-ass employees. Just what exactly are the parameters of the job I got hired for? And even if it were, by some stretch of the imagination, my responsibility to police her activities, why the hell would she listen to me? Not. Her. Boss.

So then it goes something like this:

Me: "Well...actually, no. Why would she listen to me?"

Ballsuck: "Are you saying that I shouldn't hire her back at all?"

Which, honestly, is kind of exactly what we were all saying, but passive-aggressive drama queen much? And what's more, are you really trying to suggest that all hirings and firings go through me from now on? That with one word (that actually has little to do with what you decide to think it does) I can hold the fate of half a dozen shitty current and former employees in my hands?

Hypothetically Speaking

So let's say you run a business. You employ a grand workforce of five people. These five people are barely keeping things at your business running smoothly from day to day--something in which you seem inexplicably unwilling to participate in any significant way. You are also too lazy to bother trying to hire any more employees.

Now let's say a whopping total of TWO of your FIVE employees are reliable. You can count on them to come in to work everyday. On time. They together have taken a total of one scheduled day off in six months. They together have needed a total of two sick days. They both regularly work longer hours than initially agreed upon, perform tasks outside of their job descriptions and offer suggestions in pursuit of making your business more profitable and essential to your customers.

Then let's say that a third employee has become increasingly, unreasonably unreliable in the last two weeks. She is a hard worker. When she comes to work. When she doesn't come to work, she doesn't bother to call to say why. You bitch about it all passive-aggressively to your two reliable employees every chance you get but you don't take action.

On one occasion, you mention to one reliable employee that if the aforementioned unreliable employee continues to be unreliable, she may be called upon to take up a new shift. She is agreeable, researches how many buses she'll have to take to get to work five hours earlier and at which unholy hour she'll have to wake up to catch those buses. She expresses real interest in changing shifts.

A weekend rolls by and by Monday it's as if the conversation and plotting has never taken place. Fine. She is used to your nonsense.

On two occasions in the following week, the unreliable employee AGAIN lets you down. Your reliable employee takes it upon herself to ask if you'll be needing her to start on the earlier shift. She even suggests you discuss it with the unreliable employee first--who, of course, you don't even call to ask what the hell's up because you obviously cannot handle confrontation. Though you are ostensibly a manager. You don't bother to respond to your reliable employee's inquiries beyond bitching some more, passive-aggressively, about the unreliable employee you should do something about already.

Finally, let's say that on, oh, a Tuesday in April, your unreliable employee ONCE AGAIN does not show. She does not contact you. You bitch passive-aggressively to your reliable employee when she gets in. Then you--SPECTACULARLY--inform her that a previous unreliable employee--of the drugged-out, stealing-from-the-frigging-cash-drawer variety--is coming in that day to re-learn the ins and outs of the job...because she'll be filling in on days such as these when your current unreliable employee is AWOL.

Your reliable employee--barely holding it together in the wake of this announcement--FLAT OUT TELLS YOU she would rather take the shift AS PREVIOUSLY DISCUSSED AT LENGTH than have the allegedly reformed, bossy, meth addict waltz back in. How do you think you would respond to this? Do you think you would say: "Yeeeeaaahhhhh...well...then I have a problem not having anyone at night"?

Following this, as ONE of your TWO reliable employees stares at you, wondering if you're truly such a complete fucking ass-hat as the previous few seconds suggests, do you shrug and turn to help a customer? When she comes out of the kitchen a minute later, after taking a voluntary time-out to collect herself, have you realized your mistake? Has it dawned on you that maybe you should try...who's to say?...HOLDING ON TO people who are an actual asset to your business?

Or do you immediately passive-aggressively try to joke around about "Wouldn't you have to get on a bus at, like, three in the morning to work that shift anyway?"...complete with that wimp-ass laugh you do because, dude, you fucking KNOW the whole bus schedule thing was already discussed in minute detail and that what you just said is total bullshit and that you deeply and sincerely suck balls?

Because, honestly, congratulations to you if your aim was to drive away ONE of your TWO (count 'em, motherfucker!) reliable and worthwhile employees. Your implicit belief that a girl who can't be bothered to tell you she's not showing up at least once a week and a woman who used to steal from you to buy bathtub amphetamines are more valuable than SOMEONE WHO DOES HER FROG-HUMPING JOB ALREADY should really help your business grow in the future.

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