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• photos •
• little loves • Eddie Cibrian's Dimples
Because c'mon! Shame on Invasion's slowburn peril for not providing them a more frequent showcase. Wentworth Miller
He's my boyfriend. He is. No, he just is. He's all green-eyed, widow's-peaked, melting-pot hotness and oiled-massage voice. He's it. • past loves • |
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From Shack's latest recap of Firefly over at TWoP: "Those commercials about drug money funding terrorism are true. These other commercials say so. Somebody needs to sit the folks at the Office of National Drug Control Policy down and explain to them all the concept of 'circular logic.' And also tell them that these two obnoxious men in their current ad make me want to inject heroin directly into my eyeballs." Amen to that. jlb | 18:07 I woke up this morning, turned on my TV, and thought perhaps, while I slept, our puritanical society had begun to dissolve into something more ... well, European. You see, around 7:30 a.m. on a major network there was a commercial for KY. Yep, that KY. At 7:30 in the morning! Not like the condom commercials one glimpses in the middle of the night when college kids watch Three's Company reruns while waiting for their pizzas to arrive, but bright and early when Suzy Homemaker and her tots are munching sugary cereals and getting ready for school. Is this the Twilight Zone? That being said, it's an obnoxious commercial. This smug little yuppie hints around about how her particular sexual dysfunction is getting in the way of her relationship -- but no more, with KY in a tasteful, hand lotion-type dispenser. Is she supposed to display this on her bathroom countertop with her Lubriderm? Finally, embarrassing problem apparently solved, she tells us: "He says I have a very agile ... mind." Gross. jlb | 11:10 So I'm thinking about volunteering for the medical center's Hazardous Materials Response Team. I can receive HAZWOPER training -- that's the best kind! -- and "aggressively respond to biological, chemical or radiation" emergencies. I could work in the "warm and hot zones of the decontamination area" after I help to set up that area. Yes, kids, I'd get to wear one of those suits! My respiratory protection would consist of a Supplied Air Respirator attached to a 25-foot air supply line -- in case I got any ideas about changing my mind and running away, I guess. I'd be issued butyl or latex gloves, depending on the offending contaminant, haz-mat boots (green upper and yellow or black soled -- stylish!) and a Level-C Tychem QC coverall suit in this season's yellow or white polyethylene-coated tyvek. You know you'd be jealous! I could decontaminate patients using liquid soap (who knew that would be sufficient?) and brushes. I'd use Scrubbing Bubbles™, too, but only in instances of radiation contamination. Yes! Scrubbing down naked people! Hey, we'd give them privacy tents and heaters in the event of inclement weather! Unfortunately, I couldn't respond to any incidents of smallpox contamination because of my pre-existing, horrible skin disease. At least it also disqualifies me from the government's vaccination program. Now, say I were on the HMRT. What's the likelihood that I'm mature enough not to walk around in my suit, with my respirator and communication headgear, repeating, "Luke, I am your father," and giggling hysterically? C'mon, guess. jlb | 17:40 Thunder and lightning on December 18. I love it. I was about to go to bed, but now I've got to stay awake for the storm. Ah, and there the sheets of rain just began! Chicago -- in case you are not one of the lucky many already forced to submit to my meteorological tirades -- is a crap-ass town for interesting weather. We get maybe one good thunderstorm each summer. Summer temperatures -- hot and disgustingly humid -- oftentimes last until November when, in the span of a day, it's suddenly 40 degrees Fahrenheit. Likewise, winter skips over spring into summer. We get snow, for sure -- just ask the idiot motorists who develop acute amnesia each year, robbing them of the ability to drive, nay, leave their homes in it -- but it falls and then melts, falls and melts, all winter long. No accumulation. Nothing to crunch your new Doc Martens through. (Side note: After wearing Docs for a few weeks, Blunnies feel like booties!) Aw, see! The gorram rain just ended not thirty seconds later! See what I mean? Where was I? We Chicagoans also miss out on all the severe weather that entertains the suburbs. Everything seems to slip around us, above or below the city limits. My theory, you ask? THE WEATHER BUBBLE™. I can't say whether it's pollution, or rising heat from all these bodies or a secret forcefield of radiowaves beaming out from the Sears Tower (Jon can laugh at my science there), but all the fun weather just scoots on past. It's a tragedy. jlb | 00:42 Ooh, cool, check that out. If you add up the times of those two posts today, you get 24:00 hours exactly. Ah, 24 ... I'm going to miss Kiefer. Bastards. jlb | 23:50 Ah, Sars, how I love you. This is way better than my story of the airline security lady at O'Hare that could speak maybe three words of coherent English, none of which were intelligible to me, which made for an interesting checkpoint search, let me tell you. Or not. Listen to Sarah: "11:15 AM. And now, should you undertake your own epic journey in the snow, a word of advice. When the fat man's wand beeps happily every time it draws nigh to your mysterious flower, just look blank and unsuspicious. Do not giggle. Do not imagine a teeny sign posted on your hip that reads, "Sarah's Vagina: Shrapnel-Free Since 1973." Do not compose a theme song for your hit TV series, Bionic Cooch, and do not sing the wocka wocka wocka part to yourself. And whatever you do, do not make eye contact with the Couch Baron, or the fat man will lock you both in the tower and pull up the drawbridge." jlb | 23:46 Yay! It's that time of year again for the Corona "Feliz Navidad" commercial. You know! Where someone whistles O Tenenbaum from a beach-side bungalow and then one, lone palm tree lights up with Christmas lights? I love that commercial. I look forward to it every year. jlb | 00:14 I'm watching Prince on The Tonight Show right now. Sweet to know the guy hasn't lost it. And he hasn't lost Sheila E. either! Whoda thunk it? They both look really hot too. jlb | 23:37 In the middle of Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 in D minor, Op. 125 -- which "Ode to Joy" is at least a part of (not clear on that) -- when the choir comes in ... that always gives me full-body chills and makes me tear up. I mean, even when I'm not drunk and pissed off. I love that. Speaks to the primal qualities of music, I guess. I don't presume to understand the language of music in any way, but this piece I just get. It must speak to something deep in my reptile brain. Ya know? And go to hell, FOX. jlb | 22:50 Damn, dudes, could Friday the 13th actually be unlucky and terrible? First the whole Firefly debacle -- And what a sweet episode tonight, by the way! River as Serenity: "Serenity is very unhappy." Creepifyin'. That bounty hunter got off easy getting kicked out into space. I wanted River to bust out with some more Nikita action on his ass. More about that later. -- and then it is confirmed that Amy and Nick won't be coming to Hastings for Christmas. Bummer. So for now, I'll be in my bunk ... gorging on Starbucks Java Chip, drinking away the pain from my shiny new TWoP beer stein (filled with whiskey), resolutely not watching FOX, and listening to a little Ludwig Van to either calm me or make me more sad ... not sure which. jlb | 20:51 I mean, seriously, how can you cancel a show that teaches you how to curse in Chinese every week???? You can be damn sure I used the evil snowmen stamps when I sent my angry letter to Sandy Grushow, chairman of FOX. They will do my bidding. Corncob pipes and all, fellas. Fox network executives, ta ma de. jlb | 13:42 Well, I won't be getting any work done today. I'm in mourning. Firefly has officially been cancelled. Tonight's episode will still be shown, as well as the two-hour pilot that they never played at the beginning of the year. The fate of the three episodes still in production is unknown. I have not words to express how much I hate FOX. I will never again watch an episode of The Simpsons or 24. I'm so serious. And I'm writing them to tell them so. Idiots. jlb | 10:51 I just bought stamps with snowmen on them. Each tiny snowman wears a crazy-ass look on its face, like all it can think about is killing people and eating their flesh. Now I have 20 of these psychotic little guys in my house. Think of all the weaponry a snowman has at its disposal -- scarves for strangling, brooms for bludgeoning, carrot noses for stabbing, many lumps of coal for ... well, I guess they could throw them at victims who try to escape. Then there's the corncob pipe, but I won't gross myself out with what purpose that might serve. Too late. I'm home on a weekday, shopping for postage and all, because I had a dentist appointment at 12:30. The requisite, last-minute, panicked flossing got me to thinking. Who invented floss? Who came up with the idea of pulling something stringy between one's teeth to dislodge food? It seems obvious now, but someone had to think that up. All I could find in a search was that it's believed a New Orleans dentist first started flossing his patients with silk threads in the early 1800s. Just so you know. jlb | 14:52 TWoP recapper Gustave writes: "I was always a big defender of the Christmas Gap commercial ... No more. Not even Will Kemp and Angela Lindvall, the two most gorgeous people on earth can save this ad. Nor can the inclusion of my favorite disco song, 'Love Train,' by the O'Jays. This ad sucks." I have to agree entirely. I was, of course, elated to see Will, even scruffier than before and in yet another commercial for weeks and weeks on end, but blech! This one sucks. Bring back Dancing Will! (He can keep the stocking cap.) "Love Train" haunts my very dreams now. I notice myself singing it while I do dishes and I shudder. People in the hallway could've heard me! Although I suppose it's not as bad as when I'm rasping-screaming along to Nevermind. jlb | 11:46 I just watched "War Stories" again. And, sorry, Dr. Cox, you're cool and everything, but Mal! Mal! Mal! is my TV boyfriend from now until the end of time. When freshly-tortured, one-eared, pissed-off, bloody Mal said, "You wanna meet the real me now?" he went to a scary, dark place that earned my undying love. jlb | 14:51 A quick taste of Spider to entice you. I'm an incomplete and conditional admirer of Cronenberg's films. I love eXistenZ, but didn't really care for Crash. The Fly is good stuff, but I've never seen Dead Ringers or Naked Lunch. So take my opinion for what it's worth, but I think Spider looks pretty good. And I used to dislike Ralph Fiennes intensely but I thought he did a nice job in an otherwise unspectacular Red Dragon earlier this year. Oh, and a thousand times: Adaptation, Adaptation, Adaptation! I haven't been this excited about a movie in a long time. And for those of you who are sceptical, it's got Peter Gibbons! jlb | 16:47 I had a meeting this morning at 9 a.m. Rather than detail the exquisite pain of this particular event, I'll share just a sampling of the notes I took to keep myself from screaming and throwing chairs. Yeah, we know all this!! Move on! Move on! Total waste of time. Do they ever shut up on your planet? I could have slept an extra hour in my warm, new, striped comforter. Oh great! The damn demo again! Good! Great! Wonderful! No yelling on the bus! God, what a braggart! Christ! Stop! We've been through all this!!!! Aaaaghhh!!! Shut up!!!! Captain Obvious! Talk on! Preach! Man, this is not helping at all! I'm really glad our "strategic" person is 80 steps behind the rest of us! Hurrah! La la la la la la la la la la la. Um, duh! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! God, shut up! So desperately not new information! Brag brag brag brag brag brag brag brag brag brag brag brag That's just a sampling, mind you. I filled three pages. I even started thinking up names for my meeting notes: Notes From a Terrible Meeting Notes From the Day I Wish I Was Dead Notes From This Sucks! Notes From So Many Obvious Statements My Head Reels Notes From God, Everybody Shut Up! Did I mention that I really needed to pee about fifteen minutes into an 140-minute meeting? One, lone, small, bright spot hides in the middle of all this pain. I had written, "Ooh! Helicopter!" as I spied one out the window. If not for that sparkling moment of enthusiasm, I might have unbound my notebook and used the wire to slit my own throat. To top it all off, someone new has inherited the What's-Her-Name/Asshead moniker so we can talk about how evil she is with impunity. And Asshead doesn't even come close to what she is. I think I'll make some buttons with "Proud Employee of Initech" on them. Ben knows what I'm talking about. jlb | 17:09 "A plane goes off a runway in Oregon, runs into an elk and then explodes." Best news headline ever. Thanks, FOX news! There's just no graceful or ... tactful way to report that story, I guess. It was even better when, at the end, they were sure to inform us: "The elk died." If it hadn't, and I were an Oregonian (?), I'd be really worried about the imbued-with-hellish-powers woodland creature running around with the ability to blow up small aircraft. jlb | 21:32 Can I just say (for the millionth time) how much I love the Tomato Nation girl? She's called Sarah, by the way. You'll all remember the colon thing. Today there's a long discourse on food shame and beansploitation films. Then there are her cats. I'm pretty sure she's my Bizarro Jenn. " ...okay, let's say Kiefer Sutherland is over at your house, and the two of you are enjoying some post-coital Tater Tots in front of the TV." jlb | 17:15 What possesses someone to never close the stall door when using a public restroom? I have a certain co-worker with this affliction. It squicks me out to no end. You are at work. You are not at home. There are certain rules to these things. jlb | 14:01 I'm a total nerd, so I've been watching the pledge drive on WTTW (Chicago's PBS) all weekend. I got to see all my favorite programs about the city in the 20s and 30s yesterday and they've been cooking all day today. So one of the "hosts" brought on her two sons to show how easy it is to make a certain cookie recipe with your kids. By the way, these are called cookie pops and they're a small candy bar on a stick with a cookie wrapped around it. Sugar coma via television. Sweet. Anyhow, the trio was adding peanut butter to the dough mixture and the mother asked, "You boys like peanut butter, right?" The older son says, "Can I say it?" "Go ahead," comes the reply. "I like tuna and peanut butter sandwiches," says the older boy. First, I thought: Ew. Another second passed and I thought: I'm totally trying that! And, yes, I pledged. I'm not a jerk. And I wish American cooking included more seaweed. Because I really love seaweed. jlb | 15:14 |
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